I think I will turn on the end of the Sound of Music, so I can cry again, since my cathartic cry was interrupted. Or maybe turn on VH1, and watch George Harrison stuff, since George Harrison was a year younger than my dad and succumbed to that awful disease, and I feel his family's pain.

I am having a hard time wording this post, as I don't want my husband to sound like he's such an ass, but please......don't tell me how I should be fucking acting when all I wanted was about 1/2 hour of time, to be in by room, cry and compose an outline of what I want my father to know, for tomorrow. And, no, I don't want my feet rubbed, and no, I don't want to sit and cuddle, I wanted to be alone for a moment.....

My father will not be leaving his bed, or the upstairs of my parent's house unless it is by ambulance or hearse, as my mother said tonight. He tried walking to the bathroom last night, by himself, which had never posed a problem for him, but last night he got around to the door and collapsed. So after much struggling, because 135 lbs is still heavy to my mom, they got him on the bed and he used a portable urinal, but the commode chair will be coming by Monday, hopefully. As will his wheeled walker, but my mom doesn't think he'll be able to manage that either. Amazing what can happen overnight.

I will be popping by with the kids tomorrow.

Ho de hum.....what to blog. We have Brownies tonight, nothing much exciting going on over the weekend, and my dad is home, but not well at all.....my mom said it took him a good 10 minutes to scoot up the stairs the other day, and she lifted his legs. We only have one bathroom, so it is better to have him upstairs. Other than that, I think I may actually break out the Christmas decorations THIS weekend, as I totally slacked last week, LOL.

Ooh, ooh, ooh......I am so excited to see that Alli's found a place all her own!! I've been following their story from the beginning and have grown to love and care about this family and all that comes with them. Great Job Alli........can't wait to read you here

Good thing I checked in with Laura today!!

Oh yeah.....I've been meaning to redesign too......I had a Christmas template from last year.....gonna search...if not...create!!

Thank you gals for the comments and support for me to keep my blog.....I think I was having a mini pity party, LOL.

I rearranged some of my house yesterday and started getting in the Holiday Spirit by checking out TVGuide and ABCfamily Holiday show schedules!! Our garage is being worked on and the contents of my Christmas boxes are all in the sunroom and easy to get to, so I just might start slowly going through and placing some Christmas cheer around the house.

I'll hear more soon on my dad, and when he is coming home. He has gained 9 lbs since his last hospital stay, so I hope we have made a slight upturn. He was very sad on Thursday when he talked to my mom and really wanted to be home. I couldn't even imagine.

I ended up running out to Walmart last night, just to see if they had some card tables that I needed, but they were sold out. I ended up getting little odds and ends that I needed, but it really wasn't too crazy and the toy aisles were still *intact*, so I'm wondering if it was that slow all day, or they had people that really kept the store in order??

John is going hunting tomorrow and today, I think I'll destroy and sort out the laundry room/filing cabinet area, since he can keep the kids out of my hair when I try to tackle this job.

Enjoy the weekend!!

I can't decide whether to pull the blog altogether, or just take a break...it's all negative anyway and why should I just bring people down whenever they click on my link ???

As for those wondering if I am shopping tomorrow.....NO WAY in HELL, LOL!!

We had an okay day considering dad was admitted last night into the hospital for a blood clot in each leg. He will be having a procedure done to prevent the clots from dislodging upwards. He was supposed to have it done today, but since he has been on cumadin (sp?) they didn't want to risk him bleeding out and stabilized his blood levels today, and at 6pm he got the okay for tomorrow.

Here is where we spent the afternoon......OMG I was in Chocolate Heaven, LOL.

ARGH.....I JUST found out that Amy was in the same fuckin' town as me this weekend......un-fuckin'-believable.......AND I had this feeling the WHOLE time, that I should have called her to meet up with her, but NO, the Poconos are not by Philly, why would she want to go up there...

Okay.....I meant to blog more, but I've spent time jabbering on ICQ and I need to unpack......'til tomorrow!!

We are going away to the Poconos this weekend. Hopefully the warm weather trend will continue and we can enjoy the mountains!! Have a good weekend!!

We are having our garage fixed. It is an original one car bay that someone added another bay to, so now it's an attached 2 car garage. We always knew we'd have to fix it, but we kept putting it off. So, now the guys are here working on it, and the insurance adjuster came out to see if the repair would be covered. Of COURSE it's NOT!! It seems that when the new part was added on, they only put a 2ft deep foundation, not the required 4ft, so due to faulty/illegal construction, the insurance company says "SORRY". Anyway, he said to go to town hall and pull the permits when this guy put on the other bay. Just knowing the history of this guy, I am guaranteeing that no permit was ever filed, cuz if it was, you'd be damn sure that the foundation would have passed the inspection. And, to add to that, you know damn sure that my husband isn't filing a permit either, LOL.......

I got my hair shaped today. I had a little bit of buildup from my new sucky Pantene hairspray and ya know what cures that?? Sea Breeze..... My stylist drenched my hair in it and combed out the yuck.....my hair has smelled like that all day, but it's REALLY clean!!

I also visited the kids for 1/2 hour each at school today. I watched John's math class and his Spanish lesson. I really enjoyed the Spanish. I had 7 years of it through HS and College and I was one stinkin' class away from a minor in it. I can't wait as the years progress to be able to brush up my skills better. I fully understood everything she said, which was good. And she hardly uses English, just like my profesoras used to teach!!

I watched Steffi's math and science lessons. It was great. There were 18 1st graders trying to explain what soil was. Some of the answers were so cute/imaginative/realistic.

Okay.....right now I am eating healthy, sorta..... I am snacking on spinach, tomato and potato crisps. That's good, but dipping them in the leftover onion soup dip is against the whole healthy eating thing, I think, LOL.

I am done blogging for the day.....thanks for visiting!!! :-)

Well, it seems that most of my posts lately seem to revolve around my father and how I am dealing with things......if that is boring to you, sorry.....but this really has proven to be some kind of cathartic outlet for me.....so we go on......

My brother went back to Denver today. My father had a visit with the local Sloan Kettering oncologist. Things are looking up, yet again. This rollercoaster is SO hard to deal with. It seems that the reason my father has been so withdrawn, depressed and lazy since his last hospital stay is because he is probably anemic. He will go for tests on Monday and see if he possibly needs a transfusion to get those numbers back in line. He gained a little weight. He finally inquired about the Marinol that another friend of the family had taken before she passed, and the doctors said sure, so I *think* my dad will be starting that, as well as a whole slew of meds for whatever reason. Maybe I'll ask for one teeny, tiny legal pill, LOL. He will also probably be able to start some kind of oral chemo. But, the doctor did say, you know what we are dealing with here. A body is like a building and once it starts to collapse, there is hardly any turning back, and we have started to collapse. My parents did not ask again for any timeframes, cuz no one really knows. The doctor did say that the man he saw today, was not the man he was a month ago. A month ago there was a championship fighter and now he is sulking in the corner and he needs to get the robe off and get back out to fight. The encouraging outlook I am trying to see is that the doctor would not make him fight anemia and do the chemo if it was truly *the end*.

I told my mom that if dad is having texture issues with food and that his saliva is still not being produced so that food is enjoyable, that she should throw everything in a minichopper with some liquid and he might be able to eat better that way. That's how I first introduced table foods to the kids. Guess what.....THAT WORKED. So I actually feel VERY happy that she can still have her meals and serve them to him and he can eat it.

I heard that today was a VERY emotional day in my house and that I am sure that my dad and my brother got things all clear forever and that IF anything should happen between now and Christmas, that my brother will be secure in knowing he had a father that loved him and that he loved, and they both know it. My mom wouldn't tell me what was said, cuz she wouldn't be able to talk, and I'm not really sure that I need to know. But, my brother got in the shuttle to the airport with his glasses on and tears running down his cheek. When my mom went upstairs, my dad was also crying and told her what the conversation consisted of, and that he knows he has a good son. I'm glad he came home now and also saw our aunt, who he hadn't seen in 9 years (since my wedding). Now when he comes home from Christmas, he won't be pressured into spending a LOT of time with us, and can concentrate on his friends and the wedding of our childhood next-door neighbor, which will be in Boston on New Year's Eve. Plus, the conversation he had with my dad was when everyone was in sound mind and body...

I'll have to have the same conversation one of these days, but for now, things may be on a upturn, so I'll procrastinate once again. Although, I had a semi-talk with him one day.....just haven't come out to say thanks and I love you.

I am sorry for the way these posts come across, but they are just words flowing out of my fingers, they are random and maybe somewhat disconnected and I don't go back to proofread, so please bear with me

Thank you all SO much for the support and encouragement I see and hear from various places. It means a lot to me that I can get these feelings off my chest and that someone out there cares!!

Cramps.....cramps.....cramps.....I feel like crap today. Think I'm gonna take a little nap.....right now!!

We watched Shrek last night. It definitely was a very funny movie.

My aunt is in from TN and my brother flies in from Denver tomorrow. I've been busy, and will be busy with lots of family visits. I needed to blog the other night, and blogger was down, but the feelings I was having were able to be let out to some of my friends, and they truly helped me through Thursday night. Thanks gals!!!

Just a very confusing, sad time in my life right now, and I wish I could do more to help, but I will do the best I can, and as long as I know that I tried, everything should be well.....

Ay yi freakin' yi.....can't grown adults follow a simple memo requesting you to make 5 phone calls......

I am the chairperson for the school's snow chain, and after I input 340+ kids and assigned callers, I distributed the list to my callers and asked them just to make a call introducing themselves and verify the phone numbers of those 5 people under them. Do you know that at the PTA meeting, the majority of the attendees asked "what's going on with the snow chain".....I told them it was distributed a month ago and that they should have received a call.....but ALAS.....95% of the people under me, couldn't read the memo apparently where it stated to make the call.

Hmm.....I'm editing this post in a major way, as I've received an email and sent one back, after composing it in tears.....I think everything will be fine.....she thinks I overreacted...I might have when I said we weren't going home with them...whatever, we both value *our* friendship, irregardless of what the girls do...

just received another one from her saying "Love you.....talk to you tomorrow. All is well. Nite :)"

ARGH......My new best friend, in real life, and I are in a predicament. Our girls went on a Brownie outing yesterday and comments and looks were being thrown around and it escalated to where my daughter was punched in the stomach, by her daughter, because she wanted to say hi to someone that this other girl was already talking to. I asked someone else to give us a ride home, cuz I think that putting the girls back into the truck, within 5 inches of each other, with apologies already doled out, would have been fruitless.

Now she wants us to talk it out, and of course, I am standing up for my daughter, and she, hers.....so how does one resolves this issue gracefully?? I know I saw things yesterday, that she's not aware of, and probably vice-versa.....so will it become a she said, (s)he said?? And, of course, yesterday wasn't the first time that things escalated between the two of them.....well, the punching was, but they have disagreements all the time about so much nonsense.....that I as a parent of 3 tend to ignore.....just the basic bullshit, but she's an only child and doesn't understand to walk away and forget about it...Damn

I talked with my brother yesterday about everything going on in my family. He was wondering if he should be making a visit now, or wait until the visit he has already planned for Christmas. My husband and I think that visiting now is not a bad idea.....my mom sees no reason for it. If he DOES come now, he doesn't want my parents to be pissed that he thinks Dad is dying and this might be the last visit, but God forbid something does happen between now and Christmas. My brother will have to live with that on his mind.....

I am pretty sure that my dad is being released from the hospital today. I say that if he comes home, and still doesn't eat for a week and continues to sleep the days away that my brother should make it in before Christmas. He'd be coming from Denver, so it's not like it's a hop, skip and a jump away. Then, if he does come, after 3 hours of talking to Dad, his business would be done anyway, so should he just call on the phone more often, perhaps.....

This sucks...