Well, it seems that most of my posts lately seem to revolve around my father and how I am dealing with things......if that is boring to you, sorry.....but this really has proven to be some kind of cathartic outlet for me.....so we go on......
My brother went back to Denver today. My father had a visit with the local Sloan Kettering oncologist. Things are looking up, yet again. This rollercoaster is SO hard to deal with. It seems that the reason my father has been so withdrawn, depressed and lazy since his last hospital stay is because he is probably anemic. He will go for tests on Monday and see if he possibly needs a transfusion to get those numbers back in line. He gained a little weight. He finally inquired about the Marinol that another friend of the family had taken before she passed, and the doctors said sure, so I *think* my dad will be starting that, as well as a whole slew of meds for whatever reason. Maybe I'll ask for one teeny, tiny legal pill, LOL. He will also probably be able to start some kind of oral chemo. But, the doctor did say, you know what we are dealing with here. A body is like a building and once it starts to collapse, there is hardly any turning back, and we have started to collapse. My parents did not ask again for any timeframes, cuz no one really knows. The doctor did say that the man he saw today, was not the man he was a month ago. A month ago there was a championship fighter and now he is sulking in the corner and he needs to get the robe off and get back out to fight. The encouraging outlook I am trying to see is that the doctor would not make him fight anemia and do the chemo if it was truly *the end*.
I told my mom that if dad is having texture issues with food and that his saliva is still not being produced so that food is enjoyable, that she should throw everything in a minichopper with some liquid and he might be able to eat better that way. That's how I first introduced table foods to the kids. Guess what.....THAT WORKED. So I actually feel VERY happy that she can still have her meals and serve them to him and he can eat it.
I heard that today was a VERY emotional day in my house and that I am sure that my dad and my brother got things all clear forever and that IF anything should happen between now and Christmas, that my brother will be secure in knowing he had a father that loved him and that he loved, and they both know it. My mom wouldn't tell me what was said, cuz she wouldn't be able to talk, and I'm not really sure that I need to know. But, my brother got in the shuttle to the airport with his glasses on and tears running down his cheek. When my mom went upstairs, my dad was also crying and told her what the conversation consisted of, and that he knows he has a good son. I'm glad he came home now and also saw our aunt, who he hadn't seen in 9 years (since my wedding). Now when he comes home from Christmas, he won't be pressured into spending a LOT of time with us, and can concentrate on his friends and the wedding of our childhood next-door neighbor, which will be in Boston on New Year's Eve. Plus, the conversation he had with my dad was when everyone was in sound mind and body...
I'll have to have the same conversation one of these days, but for now, things may be on a upturn, so I'll procrastinate once again. Although, I had a semi-talk with him one day.....just haven't come out to say thanks and I love you.
I am sorry for the way these posts come across, but they are just words flowing out of my fingers, they are random and maybe somewhat disconnected and I don't go back to proofread, so please bear with me
Thank you all SO much for the support and encouragement I see and hear from various places. It means a lot to me that I can get these feelings off my chest and that someone out there cares!!
My brother went back to Denver today. My father had a visit with the local Sloan Kettering oncologist. Things are looking up, yet again. This rollercoaster is SO hard to deal with. It seems that the reason my father has been so withdrawn, depressed and lazy since his last hospital stay is because he is probably anemic. He will go for tests on Monday and see if he possibly needs a transfusion to get those numbers back in line. He gained a little weight. He finally inquired about the Marinol that another friend of the family had taken before she passed, and the doctors said sure, so I *think* my dad will be starting that, as well as a whole slew of meds for whatever reason. Maybe I'll ask for one teeny, tiny legal pill, LOL. He will also probably be able to start some kind of oral chemo. But, the doctor did say, you know what we are dealing with here. A body is like a building and once it starts to collapse, there is hardly any turning back, and we have started to collapse. My parents did not ask again for any timeframes, cuz no one really knows. The doctor did say that the man he saw today, was not the man he was a month ago. A month ago there was a championship fighter and now he is sulking in the corner and he needs to get the robe off and get back out to fight. The encouraging outlook I am trying to see is that the doctor would not make him fight anemia and do the chemo if it was truly *the end*.
I told my mom that if dad is having texture issues with food and that his saliva is still not being produced so that food is enjoyable, that she should throw everything in a minichopper with some liquid and he might be able to eat better that way. That's how I first introduced table foods to the kids. Guess what.....THAT WORKED. So I actually feel VERY happy that she can still have her meals and serve them to him and he can eat it.
I heard that today was a VERY emotional day in my house and that I am sure that my dad and my brother got things all clear forever and that IF anything should happen between now and Christmas, that my brother will be secure in knowing he had a father that loved him and that he loved, and they both know it. My mom wouldn't tell me what was said, cuz she wouldn't be able to talk, and I'm not really sure that I need to know. But, my brother got in the shuttle to the airport with his glasses on and tears running down his cheek. When my mom went upstairs, my dad was also crying and told her what the conversation consisted of, and that he knows he has a good son. I'm glad he came home now and also saw our aunt, who he hadn't seen in 9 years (since my wedding). Now when he comes home from Christmas, he won't be pressured into spending a LOT of time with us, and can concentrate on his friends and the wedding of our childhood next-door neighbor, which will be in Boston on New Year's Eve. Plus, the conversation he had with my dad was when everyone was in sound mind and body...
I'll have to have the same conversation one of these days, but for now, things may be on a upturn, so I'll procrastinate once again. Although, I had a semi-talk with him one day.....just haven't come out to say thanks and I love you.
I am sorry for the way these posts come across, but they are just words flowing out of my fingers, they are random and maybe somewhat disconnected and I don't go back to proofread, so please bear with me
Thank you all SO much for the support and encouragement I see and hear from various places. It means a lot to me that I can get these feelings off my chest and that someone out there cares!!
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