So.....it has hit me.....I totally know what is wrong......and it's totally understandable.

Although my father was dying last Christmas season, and we buried him on Christmas Eve, he was here. Practically comatose and a skeleton, but aware of us, and slowly declining, day by day.....I sorta don't remember how I felt, the weeks, days, leading up to his death.....I remember being in a fog.....

I went to put my Christmas music in my stereo today, and there was his picture... and it was then that I realized that he is not here and won't ever be again....... Yes, I already knew that, but as I hear all these Christmas songs, particularly the first one that came on...Grown Up Christmas List sung by Natalie Cole, I realized that I am hearing the lyrics with a whole new light.

I just feel like I need a good cry. We've sorta been doing things, for I say the past 9 months with almost avoiding doing things that remind me of him, and when he pops into my head, I tear up......

I think I am to have a good cry soon.......I feel it building up......just keep me in your thoughts, and hug your loved ones tighter.....one more time.....