So many thought going through my head the past couple of days. They are going to try to start the chemo trial with dad again this morning, if his bilirubin is low enough. Back in June, they said he had a month to play around, but after that chemo need to be started. It's now been 6 weeks. If his cancer was only 2 months old in June, and it had spread to be inoperable, I'm sure these past two months it's grown more. At this point, I'm thinking, if he is not ripe for the trial today, start the regular damn chemo!! I can't stand this any longer. Just cuz he looks and feels healthy does not mean that he is. How about if this progresses so fast and within the next month he is dead. Sure, he didn't suffer, but damn.......
This is not an issue that weighs on my head often because he does look and feel so good. I mean, I know he's sick, but it is so hard to prepare myself for the inevitable this way. I have no clue what is gonna happen, but I'm having a hard time trying to ponder the thought of that man not being around for much longer. Sure we fought really bad when I was a teenager, but damn, he was only doing his best. I know that now. His childhood was not all that bright and sunny, and he dealt with a lot, and I had it a hell of a lot easier than him.
I just can't take this.......
Then.....the issue of religion is coming into play. I always thought that you died and went to Heaven...do not pass Go, do not collect $200, just get to the Heavenly Reward. Now, John is talking about purgatory and the waiting period before you get to Heaven. How did I miss that one........If you do not do your suffering on this earth, you do it in purgatory, and then, when the time is right, you go to Heaven........My God, hopefully, my Dad is doing his suffering now.......but what about me??? Am I living the life that I should be?? This is now confusing and scaring me......
I thought that when I/you/we die.....our loved ones that have past are up there welcoming us in the moment our soul leaves........
I know......I shouldn't dwell on this, nor be scared.....just have faith, but right now......I wanna make sure that that happens.......
This is not an issue that weighs on my head often because he does look and feel so good. I mean, I know he's sick, but it is so hard to prepare myself for the inevitable this way. I have no clue what is gonna happen, but I'm having a hard time trying to ponder the thought of that man not being around for much longer. Sure we fought really bad when I was a teenager, but damn, he was only doing his best. I know that now. His childhood was not all that bright and sunny, and he dealt with a lot, and I had it a hell of a lot easier than him.
I just can't take this.......
Then.....the issue of religion is coming into play. I always thought that you died and went to Heaven...do not pass Go, do not collect $200, just get to the Heavenly Reward. Now, John is talking about purgatory and the waiting period before you get to Heaven. How did I miss that one........If you do not do your suffering on this earth, you do it in purgatory, and then, when the time is right, you go to Heaven........My God, hopefully, my Dad is doing his suffering now.......but what about me??? Am I living the life that I should be?? This is now confusing and scaring me......
I thought that when I/you/we die.....our loved ones that have past are up there welcoming us in the moment our soul leaves........
I know......I shouldn't dwell on this, nor be scared.....just have faith, but right now......I wanna make sure that that happens.......
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